low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Randomize
