my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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