I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
