gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
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