she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
