Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
