she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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