that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
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