Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize