my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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