:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
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