She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
