there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize
