someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
