I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Randomize
