I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
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