i always forget guys have bellybuttons
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize