Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize