I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
