does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
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