Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Randomize
