I want to have your abortion
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
i will never coherently bang her
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Randomize
