So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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