Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Randomize
