I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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