I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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