she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
