I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize