You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
