Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
