i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Randomize
