On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
You had me at "let me see your balls"
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
