Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
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