Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Sorry about my life...
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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