I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
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