Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
