addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize