my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
