nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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