I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Dignity is for republicans.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
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