I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
