btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
