the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
