Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Randomize
