BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
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