11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
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