I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
