Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Randomize
