sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
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