don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
