My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
