ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Randomize
