this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
I need a burrito and a hug.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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