you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
