HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Randomize
