Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Randomize
