in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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