The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
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