doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
