So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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